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All I Really Want For Christmas

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Song-AllIReallyWantForChristmasThisYear

The Griffins singing the song.

"All I Really Want For Christmas" FAMILY GUY FOX BROADCASTING04:04

"All I Really Want For Christmas" FAMILY GUY FOX BROADCASTING

"All I Really Want For Christmas" was a song written for the animated sitcom Family Guy. It was originally recorded for the 2001 Kevin and Bean Christmas album Swallow My Eggnog, under the title "A Family Guy Christmas", and was eventually featured at the beginning of "Road to the North Pole". A reprise is also heard at the very end of the episode.

On December 10, 2010, the song was made available for purchase on iTunes.

Lyrics

Original Version

[Speech]
Peter: Hi, I'm Peter Griffin. All of us here at Family Guy would like to wish you a Merry Christmas, or a Happy Jew Christmas, depending on your religion.
Lois: Peter, it's Hanukkah.
Peter: Oh, sorry.
Meg: Shut up, Chris! This is supposed to be serious!
Chris: Okay. We've prepared a musical holiday greeting that we would like to sing for you.
Lois: Brian, would you start us off?
Brian: Sure.
Stewie: You know, I heard we can say dirty words on this album.
Chris: Ha ha, Boobie! I said boobie. Did you hear me? Ha, I said it twice.
Brian: Okay, okay, take it easy, you guys. Ladies and gentlemen, the lush arrangements of Walter Murphy.

The snow is glistening in the trees,
As Christmas carols fill the breeze,
And children pray on bended knees...
Stewie: Santa Claus, be sure you don't
Screw up my freakin' order, please!

[Speech]
Brian: Great, thanks for destroying the mood.
Chris: Dad, what do you want for Christmas?
Peter: Ah, let's see...

Britney Spears and Courtney Cox
Wearing nothing but their socks
Is all I really want for Christmas this year!
Brian: Well, that's just not practical.
Peter: Plenty of beer and so much scotch
That I hit on my own crotch
Is all I really want for Christmas this year!

[Speech]
How about you Lois, what do you want?

Lois: All my flabbin' cellulite surgically uprooted
Then installed in Julia Roberts' ass, Ha!
Spending a steamy night between
Kevin and his partner Bean
Giggling as they remove my brassiere.

Peter & Lois: All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year

[Speech]
Lois: What do you want, Meg?
Stewie: How about something to remove her Matt Houston mustache?

Meg: I want a house in Malibu
And a cure for acne, too.
That's all I really want for Christmas this year!

[Speech]
Chris: Eww! You have acne!
Meg: Shut up, Chris!
Peter: Anything else, honey?

Meg: I want a singing navel, Dad,
Just like on that Levi's ad.
That's all I really want for Christmas this year!

[Speech]
Brian: All I can say is, thank God that advertising firm doesn't do tampons.
Chris: Now me!

There's an evil monkey who's
Living in my closet,
I just wish he'd go away and die.
I want Jillian Barberie,
Rubbing up real close to me
Saying dirty, bad things into my ear.
Stewie: Oh, she's atrocious.
Chris: All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year!

[Speech]
Stewie: Well, it's your turn, dog. As if anyone gives a two-shilling shit about what you want.

Brian: Every year I've prayed and prayed
For a girl who isn't spayed.
That's all I really want for Christmas this year.
Chris: What does spayed mean?
Peter: Oh, you know, like Melissa Etheridge.
Brian: I'd love it if you would not harass me
When I start to chew my ass
That's all I really want for Christmas this year!
Your turn, kid.

Stewie: Is it awfully much to have
Just one evening weekly
Where there is no cover charge at Rage?
Brian: I knew it!
Stewie: Knew what?
Lois' name I'd love to see
With the letters R.I.P.
She's alive and well, but let's play by ear.

All: All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year!

[Speech]
Stewie: Oh, dear. That high note rather did me in. Would somebody please change me?

Road to the North Pole version

Peter: Jessica Biel and Megan Fox
Wearin' nothin' but their socks
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Brian: Well, that's just not practical.

Lois: Spending a week in Mexico
With some black guys and some blow
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Peter: Aw, that sounds terrific. How about you, kids?

Chris: I would like a pair of skates,
Then I'd go out skating,
But I really don't know how to skate.
Ha-ha!
Meg: I want a Lexus all in pink
And a dad who doesn't drink.
Peter: Oh, and that reminds me, twelve kegs of beer.

The Griffins (except Brian): All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year.

[Speech]
Brian: Santa's got his work cut out for him.
Peter: Oh, we ain't even gotten started yet.

Lois: I wanna tour the Spanish coast...
Peter: Lunch with Michael Landon's ghost...
Peter and Lois: Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Lois: Wait, what?
Peter: Forget it. Keep goin'.
Chris: Jennifer Garner in my bed...
Meg: Softer voices in my head...
Chris and Meg: Is all I really want for Christmas this year.

Stewie: Yellow cake uranium.
Never mind the reason.
Also Chutes and Ladders and a ball.

[Speech]
Brian: Doesn't this seem like too much stuff?
Peter: Poo on you! It's not enough!
Stewie: Buddy boy, I got your Christmas right here!
Brian: Look who's talking.

The Griffins: All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year.

[Speech]
Brian: I'm just saying it seems a bit excessive.
Lois: Oh, get off your soapbox, Brian, it's Christmas.
Peter: And Christmas is about gettin'. Everyone in town knows that.

Quagmire: Japanese girls with no restraint
Just to choke me till I faint
Is all I really want for Christmas this year.
Ooh, giggity!
Bonnie: Platinum-plated silverware...
Joe: Just one day when kids don't stare...
Bonnie and Joe: Is all I really want for Christmas this year.

Mort: If you put a Christmas tree
In the public airport,
I will go to court and sue your ass!
Happy holiday!
Mayor Adam West: Wouldn't I love a Tinkertoy?
Herbert: And a little drummer boy.
He can either tap his drum or my rear.
Mayor Adam West, Herbert and Mort: All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year.

Tom Tucker: I want a golden mustache comb.
Angela: And some spermicidal foam.
Tom Tucker and Angela: That's all I really want for Christmas this year.

Carter: I want a brand new pitching wedge.
Consuela: I would like more Lemon Pledge.
Carter and Consuela: That's all I really want for Christmas this year.

Bruce: I just want a wedding ring
From someone named Jeffrey.
Jillian: I just want some colored Easter eggs.
Carl: I want a Blu-ray of The Wiz.
Tomak: We don't know what "Christmas" is.
Bellgarde: We have something else called "Kishgev Fufleer".
Everyone (except Brian): All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year.

Reprise

Choir: We can get out of any mess
If we learn to live with less.
And with Santa's love, there's nothing to fear.
All these happy wishes
And lots of Christmas cheer
Is all I really want this year!

Notes

  • In the DVD version of "Road to the North Pole", during the song, Peter goes "Suck my dick" instead of "Poo on you". Also, Stewie goes "Why don't you go out and chase cars, you queer" (to which Brian goes "Look who's talking."), instead of "Buddy boy, I've got your Christmas right here".

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