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Holy

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"Holy" is the Christmas themed episode of the second series of British sitcom Bottom and was broadcast on October 29, 1992. There are two versions of the episode - the original broadcast version, and an extended version that appears on the Series 2 DVD.

Plot

On Christmas Day at 3:30am Eddie awakens to hear Deck the Halls blaring from an aging tape recorder before his flatmate Richie comes in dressed as Santa Claus. However Eddie has prepared for the early wake up and has left a complex trap that leaves "Santa" suspended by the neck from the ceiling. Eddie (who knows that Santa is Richie in disguise) only agrees to cut him down after being payed £10.

A bruised and battered "Santa" makes his exit and comes back as Richie seconds later. He begins to open his presents, (ignoring Eddie's protests to return to bed and open them at half past seven) remarking that he has a huge pair of tights full of gifts while Eddie has an empty small child's sock. It is shown three hours later that Richie's gifts are ingredients for Christmas Dinner for which Richie insists on keeping track of for Santa's thank you letter.

Turning to their "big ones", Richie is dismayed by Eddie's excuse "It's the thought that counts" (replying "No it's not it's the size that counts!") that his present is small - unwrapped to reveal an empty bottle of Malibu. However Eddie has a second present for Richie: A play telescope (made from a used toilet roll) with a picture of Sue Carpenter in a bikini mouthing the poorly written words "Fick erf you sad pathetic winker".

(In the extended version Richie's present for Eddie is far larger - an enormous if rather cartoonish, self-portrait. Richie mistakes Eddie's disparaging remarks about the painting, believing he is being compared with some ancient master named Bollocks. Later Eddie uses Richie holding the painting high up to find the right spot for it... ultimately by smashing Richie's head through it, which results in Richie calling Eddie a philistine and saying that it took him 15 minutes to paint the portrait).

After Richie insists (largely by removing the flex and causing the sets electrical wiring to burn out) that no one watches the television until the Queen's Speech (unless there is a Bond film on), they divide the labor up so that Richie is responsible for doing the cooking (It would appear that neither of the duo are looking forward to Brussels sprouts but they must have them since it's Christmas) while Eddie decorates the flat to make it all Christmassy.

After Richie discovers that Eddie has drunk all the brandy thus making it impossible to make brandy butter, Eddie produces from the fridge a flame-sustaining substitute: Vodka margarine which has been spiced up with a couple of cans of hairspray.

(In extended version, Richie berates Eddie for not getting a Christmas tree but Eddie says he has and reveals the tree which is actually just a twig that cost £16 much to Richie's dismay).

Unfortunately for Richie, a kitchen accident ensures as he chops off his right index finger. Unable now to ring for an ambulance, Eddie comes to Richie's rescue applying a tight tourniquet by putting his hands around Richie's neck to restrict the blood flow. Eddie finds Richie's finger in the floor and jokes about with it before Richie snatches it back, putting it back on his hand and finding that it still works. After discussing the virtues of Eddie's sewing skills, Richie instead allows Eddie to staple his finger back in place.

(In extended version Eddie unveils his Christmas "twig", adored in large mains light-bulbs, which catches fire when he tries to switch on the lights. After throwing it out the window Eddie ends up shutting the window on Richie's reattached finger).

A brief fight ensures, interrupted by the arrival of their guests, Eddie's friends Dave Hedgehog and Spudgun. Richie insist the group all drink gravy (due Eddie drinking the sherry) which Spudgun protests heavily before they take their seats for Christmas lunch.

Richie's culinary skills alas have deserted him - the potatoes have hardened to the point they smash the plates, and the turkey has shrivelled to a smouldering lump of charcoal. Christmas pudding follows only for the vodka margarine to prove overly good at sustaining a flame resulting in Eddie having to spray the table with fire extinguisher.

After the failed dinner, the men withdraw to the drawing-room with Spudgun, Eddie and Dave wearing paper crowns from Christmas crackers, while Richie attempts to drum up support with charades. An irritable Eddie puts a stop to the game demanding they each just have Goldfinger and pack it in.

Just then the doorbell rings and an annoyed Richie goes off to answer the door believing it to be charity collectors but instead finds a baby on the doorstep. Richie brings the baby in to show to the others and an offended Eddie tells Richie to get rid off it thinking it will come between them and saying that he should be more careful. The baby begins to cry and Richie places the basket on the coffee table uses a towel to play peekaboo to quieten the child.

Saddened that the baby has no home or presents on his first Christmas, Spudgun gives him a box of Terry's All Gold chocolates. Eddie succumbs to guilt too giving the baby a Frankenstein's monster mask, while Dave hands the baby his bottle of aftershave called Grrrr. Richie then notices a pattern: "Gold, Frankenstein and Grrrr... and you're all wearing crowns and I'm a virgin!". He believes that this is the Second Coming and that he is the new virgin mother of God.

Spudgun volunteers to change the baby's nappy whilst Dave attempts to phone the Pope - and is surprised that according to the phone book the Pope lives in Twickenham. Eddie, meanwhile refuses to allow the arrival of the son of God spoil his Christmas and indulges in plenty of booze. Whilst Richie is rebuking him for this shameful act, the landlord Mr. Harrison arrives.

He reveals to Richie that the baby is his grandson Johnny left in a hurry because his daughter's mother had had a heart attack. Just then Harrison's daughter arrives and asks the rather perked up Richie and Eddie if she may breast-fed Johnny in their kitchen... Eddie and Richie look at her about to start breast feeding then shout "MERRY BLOODY CHRISTMAS!!".

Cast

  • Tina Foley as Valerie Bates (Harrison's daughter)
  • Charlie Biddle as Johnny Bates

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