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The 2000-Year-Old Virgin

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The 2000-Year-Old Virgin is the fifth Christmas episode of Family Guy.

Plot

On a trip to the Quahog Mall before Christmas, Peter and Lois bump into Jesus and discover that he is still hanging around Quahog due to not being entirely comfortable dealing with his own home life with God. Jesus invites Peter over to his place. However, since it is a depressing bachelor apartment, Peter invites him out with Glenn Quagmire, Cleveland Brown, and Joe Swanson to have a drink. At the Drunken Clam, they start planning a birthday party for Jesus, and Jesus tells them that he has never had sex: to make his birthday special, they promise to help him lose his virginity. Their attempts to achieve this through speed dating fails, upsetting Peter. Lois tries to find out what Jesus likes, but her nice manners cause him to want to sleep with her. Approaching Peter about his issue to help him, Peter is shocked but agrees to help when Jesus promises him an expensive massage chair in return for sleeping with Lois. He lets Lois know about Jesus' interest in her and she reluctantly agrees.

As they head out together, Peter enjoys his chair at the Drunken Clam. During this time, Peter has a fantasy of Lois and Jesus having sex and has second thoughts. Other men at the bar confirm to Peter that Jesus is not a virgin, but pulls this annual stunt every Christmas by bribing men with gifts just so he can sleep with their wives. Peter tries multiple ways to get to their liaison to stop things. Peter rushes to the room to find that no cheating took place as Lois decided that their marriage was too good. Despite being caught for lying, Jesus applauds them for learning their “lesson” that he intended, making the excuse that he concocted this charade as a tale of appreciating loved ones and resisting temptation on the holiest of days. After Peter thanks Jesus for saving their marriage, Jesus leaves saying "Who cares? I'm not even real, Merry Christmas".

Earlier, when Jesus asked Peter if he could sleep with Lois, Peter stated that he wasn't as outraged as the millions of Christians watching this episode and looked at the screen telling viewers to stop these "hollywood jew writers" from ruining his marriage and their religion.

On Christmas Day, Rupert gives Stewie a Joni Mitchell CD for Christmas, disappointing him because Stewie had observed Rupert picking out a heart-shaped necklace. As Stewie tearfully listens to "Both Sides, Now" on the CD, he wonders whom the necklace was for, and it is revealed to be for Mayor Adam West.

20th Century Fox
Movies
Miracle on 34th Street (1955 remake) (1973 remake) (1994 remake) • Die HardDie Hard 2Home AloneHome Alone 2: Lost in New YorkTrapped in ParadiseJingle All the WayHome Alone 4The Family StoneDeck the Halls12 Men of ChristmasHome Alone: The Holiday HeistJingle All the Way 2
Television episodes and specials
Live-action shows
"Dear Dad" • "Dear Sis" • "Death Takes a Holiday" • "All About Christmas Eve" • "Christmas Story" • "Santa Baby" • "Kay's Gift" • "Merry Catnip" • "Christmas Carol" • "How the Ghosts Stole Christmas" • "Amends" • "Cookies for Santa" • "The Santa In The Slush" • "A Very Glee Christmas" • "Extraordinary Merry Christmas" • "The 23rd" • "Glee, Actually" • "Santa"
Animated shows and specials
The Simpsons "Simpson Christmas" • "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire" • "Marge Be Not Proud" • "Miracle on Evergreen Terrace" • "Grift of the Magi" • "Skinner's Sense of Snow" • "She of Little Faith" • "'Tis the Fifteenth Season" • "Simpson Christmas Stories" • "Kill Gil, Volumes I & II" • "The Fight Before Christmas" • "Holidays of Future Passed" • "White Christmas Blues" • "I Won't Be Home for Christmas • "The Nightmare After Krustmas"
King of the Hill "The Unbearable Blindness of Laying" • "Pretty, Pretty Dresses" • "Hillennium" • "'Twas the Nut Before Christmas" • "The Father, the Son, and J.C." • "Livin' on Reds, Vitamin C and Propane" • "Ms. Wakefield"
Family Guy, American Dad!, and The Cleveland Show "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas" • "The Best Christmas Story Never" • "The Most Adequate Christmas Ever" • "Rapture's Delight" • "A Cleveland Brown Christmas" • "Road to the North Pole" • "For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls" • "Murray Christmas" • "Season's Beatings" • "Die Semi-Hard" • "Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" • "'Tis the Cleveland To Be Sorry" • "Minstrel Krampus" • "Christmas Guy" • "Dreaming of a White Porsche Christmas" • "The 2000-Year-Old Virgin" • "How the Griffin Stole Christmas"
Bob's Burgers "God Rest Ye Merry Gentle-Mannequins" • "Christmas in the Car" • "Father of the Bob" • "Nice-Capades" • "The Last Gingerbread House on the Left"
Other cartoons "A Christmas Surprise for Mrs. Stillman" • Olive, the Other Reindeer • "Xmas Story" • "A Tale of Two Santas" • "The Futurama Holiday Spectacular" • Ice Age: A Mammoth ChristmasDiary of a Wimpy Kid: Cabin Fever

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